Dealing with Depression

This post is in support of Michelle Style’s Depression hey it is mental health awareness month.

I have a daughter who has been diagnosed with severe depression disorder. It is a very challenging thing. She is awesome, sweet, smart, talented, and loving. But she has trouble seeing that and believing that those things are true. She is suspicious of compliments and hyper sensitive to criticism and correction. If something bad happens she can get fixated on it to the point where it controls her life. There is a disturbingly predictable cycle of doing ok to being down in the pit of despair. That drop or rise can happen over days, or hours, or even minutes. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming for her that she ends up lashing out over things that should not be that big of a deal. Last night it was chewing. She could not stand the noise of all of us chewing. Mind you, there was no open mouthed slurping, gulping, or grinding going on. I could not hear any else chewing. But she insisted she could and she could not let it go.

In Michelle’s post she shares some of the things that are often said to people who are struggling with depression,

It’s a character flaw.
It’s a sign of weakness.
It’s just lack of trying.
It’s a lack of will.
It’s a choice.
It’s a lack of faith.
You just need to think differently.
Remember, happiness is a choice.
You just need to suck it up.
Be strong!
You have to believe God can heal you.
Why aren’t you trying harder?
You don’t even have anything to be depressed about.
You’re faking it!
You just want attention.
Give it time.

That is quite a list. I have heard every last one of those remarks said to Anna. And honestly, I have said some of them myself. But I can tell you from experience, they are all of them either unhelpful or untrue. Those statements might well help someone who is having a bad day, or who is down, or who is feeling overwhelmed; but they are as effective on depression as they are on pneumonia—which is to say they are not effective at all.

So what do you say? What can you say? What can you do that is positive?

More than anything, they need to know that your love for them is not based on their behavior, but on who they are. Love based on performance is no love you can count on. I tell Anna that I love her because God made her and gave her to me as a daughter. Nothing she does—be it ever so bad—can change that in the least. So she never has to worry about losing my love. As crucial as that is to say, it is even more so to back up in action. Here are some of the things I have been learning in my own experience.

1. Don’t say anything. Just sit with them. Put your arm around them. If they don’t want to be touched, just be with them.
2. Let them speak. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t feel like you have to respond to everything they say, or correct every mistake, or give your opinion. To be honest, doing so might well make things worse. Listen to understand, not to get ready to give your opinion.
3. Don’t be critical and judgmental. It is more often helpful to let them vent or share knowing that they can say whatever they want without fear of outrage or shock than to insist on respecting your personal preferences.
4. Don’t take their anger and behavior personally. This is really hard when a person is not being rational or fair or just. But you need to understand that hurtful language or acting out it is generally not reflective of what they really think and feel about you, it is the depression talking.
5. Treat them with dignity and respect. Don’t treat them or speak to them in such a way that you convey that they should be ashamed of it. Clinical depression is an illness just like pneumonia or cancer or strep is. Would we ever tell a person to hide the fact that they had cancer? No. So do not treat depression any differently.