Buttercup

In the opening scenes of the iconic movie, The Princess Bride, Princess Buttercup loved to order her farm-boy Wesley around. It didn’t matter if the request was big or small reasonable or unreasonable, he always responded by saying “As you wish,” and then went and did it. Then one day she realized that when he said “as you wish” what he meant was “I love you.” When she realized that she truly loved him back she stood in the kitchen directly under a pitcher hanging on a hook from the ceiling. She was right there. It was right within her reach. It would be effortless for her to get it down. But she looks at Wesley and commands (though in a softer kinder tone), “Farm-boy…fetch me that pitcher.” Wesley smiled, walked over and gave her the pitcher. “As you wish” he said.

And then the kissing starts….but I digress….

One of the things I have been learning is how important it is to say “I love you” in ways that your wife (or your husband) or whoever it might be, appreciates. Some people want to hear the words spoken. Others want to experience it in presence or in your giving of your time. Others hear “I love you” best in gifts and surprises, others in physical intimacy, and still others hear it best when it is shown in acts of service.

We tend to express love in the way that we would like to receive it. That is fine if the person you are loving receives love in the same manner. Things get complicated when the person you are trying to love does not share the same love language.

This morning I found myself in a hauntingly similar situation. My wife was behind the counter. I was across the room. “Can you fix me a cup of coffee?” she asked, with a smile on her face. My first instinct was not to pull a Wesley. I thought to myself, You are standing right next to the coffee maker and the mugs. I am all the way across the room working on getting the kids out the door for school. Why don’t you get your own cup of coffee! The bad news is I had that thought. The good news was I did not say it out loud…not that that makes it any better.

Buttercup was an “acts of service” kind of gal. So is my wife. When she asked me to make her a cup of coffee, what she was saying was “do you love me?” Fortunately, I was not a total dolt. I nodded my head and went and made her coffee. And so the “I love you” was delivered.

Why am I confessing this? Because it is a good illustration of how we can easily miss opportunities to show love in meaningful ways to one another by not being mindful of how love is best appreciated by the person we are showing it to or who is asking for us to show that we do. I would never ask someone to make me cup of coffee when I was standing right in front of the coffee maker. I would just do it myself. But while I would not do that, I need to remember that when she asks me, what she is saying is “do you love me?”