Thirty Years Later

Perhaps the most formative event in my life happened on Christmas morning of 1984.

I was sick in bed. I was awakened by my sister and brother yelling and stamping beneath us on the second floor. It was 4:00am. My mother, who was in the bedroom across the hall, asked me to find out what all the commotion was about. I figured they were fighting over Christmas presents…again.

But as I focused on what they were yelling it all became clear. They were shouting, “Fire! Fire! Get out of the house!” Suddenly, whatever illness I had was eradicated from my system.

I told my mother.

By the time I was dressed (yes, I got dressed, I was not going outside in the wee hours of the morning in my underwear), I could no longer see anything…the smoke was that thick. I met my mother in the hall and we ran down the stairs together, she went right, I went left. As I ran through the living room, I could see flames jumping from wall to wall. I ran through the kitchen, and jumped down the back stairs to the first floor and out of the house. I ran to the big pine tree at the corner of our property where we were supposed to meet in case of a fire.

My dad was there. He asked if I was alright. I was. I was not burned or hurt at all. He said to me, “God must have something in store for you, because there was never a better time for Him to take you than now.” That is where I think I first realized God’s hand on my life.

This year marks the 30^th anniversary of the fire. I was 14 when that happened. It was very clear that God had protected me. The firemen told us that statistically my mother and I should not have made it out alive, let alone unburned or hurt. In fact a few nights later there was a similar fire in a three-story house, and all the people on the third floor died in that one. When I read verses like Isaiah 43:2-3 (NIV) I get chills down my spine, because God proved that to me and my family.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I should be dead. The reason I did not die that night is because of the sovereign love and fireproof grace of God Almighty.

Yet, He did not save me from everything.

In 2 minutes I went from being a relatively content happy teen to being confused, lost, homeless, and possessionless. In a real sense, my childhood innocence ended that day. While not arson, the fire was caused by the clueless carelessness of the tenants who lived on the first floor of our house. That day I began learning that there are some things in life that you cannot protect yourself from. That began a series of events that would culminate years later in the fracturing of our family and the loss of our property. That was the day I first started learning that I was not enough.

While I was unhurt physically, I lost more than possessions. I still struggle with the effects and aftereffects of that day. Every Christmas there are aftershocks…and they always sneak up on me. I can’t seem to get away from it. This year is no exception.

It is hard for me to enjoy Christmas. I always struggle with depression this time of year. My patience wears thin. I get angry. I get resentful. I can’t wait for it to be over.

I never really understood how much it damaged me until years later. What I thought was strength back then in not ever mourning my loss I began learning was really an unwillingness to face it. It created a wall that I stood behind. Behind it I could laugh and joke about pain so that I did not have to deal with it. It kept me from empathizing with the pain of others. What I had always thought was “looking at the bright side” was often received as being aloof, sarcastic, unfeeling, prideful, and shallow. What I was was afraid, hurt, and unwilling to deal with my own pain.

But God is loving, patient, and gracious. Through the years He has been helping me to figure out how to live with it. Much has been healed…though I suspect some things will always seem broken to me. Is it OK to admit that, that I have scars? I think so. I mean Jesus still has scars right? Why should we be any different?

Working through it has been hard, but I am glad for the people and tools that God has brought into my life to work out the grace He has been working into me. In a real sense, He has never stopped saving me from that night. God is not stingy with His grace or fickle with His love. Grace is not a one-time event. It is a constant, consistent giving that is never ever watered down.

As hard as the work has been to work through it, it is worse to put it aside; as hard as it is to bring it out into the open, it is worse to hide it and pretend you are fine; as hard as it is to accept help and love from people, it is much worse to say “thanks but no thanks.” That is what I have been learning anyway. I hope, if you are dealing with hard things, you are learning that too.