Proverbs 18:13 says, What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts! Listening to understand is hard enough isn’t it? How easy it is to misunderstand what someone is trying to say. If you are at all honest about it, you will admit that it is hard enough trying to communicate with your spouse and your kids, let alone everyone else we talk with during the day.
Things get taken to a new level of excitement when we enter a situation where we are pretty sure we understand what we are being told, and we don’t agree with it. Sometimes when we disagree things can get ugly. Things can quickly escalate from relative indifference to being intensely personal. All of us have had conversations like that. Conversations that ended up being loud, angry, hurtful, fights.
The first church I was a pastor in had a covenant for working and worshiping together. It was read before every official meeting of every board or ministry teem. It laid godly ground rules for conversation that we all agreed to follow. One of the things in that covenant was this: “We will listen to understand but don’t necessarily have to agree.” What does that look like? What does that mean? A great biblical text illustrating this is Acts 15:36-41.
Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.
This was a serious disagreement. Paul did not want Barnabas’ cousin Mark to come along again. Things were too serious, too dangerous. You needed to be able to count on the people on your team even in the face of certain death. Mark had buckled once, Paul did not trust him to not leave them again.
Barnabas, wanted to give Mark another chance. Isn’t that what the gospel is about? You can’t just dump people when they fail or you are not going to have any one with you for long.
It was so serious to them, that Paul and Barnabas ended up going separate ways. As far as we know they did not go on another missionary journey together.
However, Paul later acknowledges Barnabas as still being a fellow worker with him in the gospel (1 Corinthians 9:6), and three times mentions Mark who has become a great encouragement and even a personal asset to Paul in the ministry (Colossians 4:10, 2 Timothy 4:11, Philemon 24).
We need to have the grace to provide space for disagreement with one another without breaking unity with one another. There is a difference between unity and unanimity. We are not called to all agree in everything with one another. We need to listen to understand, but don’t necessarily have to agree. Let me give you two reasons why this is true:
Some disagreement is unavoidable. This is the unavoidable reality in a world where we are all unique individuals. Our experience, culture, relationships, hurts, and education, are all going to color how we look at any given issue. We should expect a certain amount of disagreements in our relationships.
Some disagreement is healthy. What starts off as disagreement can often end in agreement. When we take the time to listen to understand, we often learn new things, and get an appreciation for points of view we had not respected before. We grow when we rub shoulders with people who challenge what we think. But I think our decisions are the better for it.
We need to have the grace to provide space for disagreement in three areas:
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We need to give space for disagreement in our theology. There are, if we are honest, very few essentials to the Christian faith. We sometimes make a big deal about what you need to believe to be saved. Pastors and professional theologians like myself sometimes use our personal understandings about interpreting Scripture as a measuring stick with which we hold other people to. The Bible is very clear about some things. But it is not so clear about everything.
There are essentials that we all need to agree upon in order to call ourselves Christian. More me, the essentials are well represented in the Apostles Creed. But we need to be able to give people latitude in areas that are not essential.
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Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
We are saved by faith, not by works. But in our personal pursuit of how best to live a godly life we often end up—whether consciously or unconsciously—creating lists of moral do’s and don’ts that we use to judge other people’s spiritual maturity. You’ve heard of the list. Good Christians:
- Don’t drink beer.
- Don’t smoke.
- Don’t dance.
- Don’t go to R rated movies (or go to movies altogether).
- Don’t wear makeup.
- Wear their best clothes to church.
- Don’t applaud in church.
I’m sure you can think of some others. There may be good reasons for not doing those things but there are no clear biblical reasons for avoiding those things. Christianity is not really about doing certain things or avoiding certain things. Christianity is about accepting that Jesus did all there was to do to bring us into the loving presence of God. Romans 5:1 says it all, Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We need to give people space to practice their faith in ways we may not feel comfortable doing ourselves. We need to be careful not to trample the freedom we have in Christ by allowing ourselves to be fenced in with man-made rules, regulations, and expectations. We need to remember James 4:12, There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
- We need to give space for disagreement in our relationships. Acts 15:36-41 speaks to this. Paul and Barnabas ended up working separately because of their differences. If two titans of the faith like Paul and Barnabas could not agree on everything, or even work together all the time, why are we surprised when we experience the same thing in our relationships? Notice however that they did not undermine each other but continued to work for the good of the Church. Their unity was not compromised. They did not agree on who should make up the team for a missions trip. Paul did not write Barnabas off. Paul did not constantly hold Mark’s past against him. We need to give each other a certain amount of freedom in how we relate, lead, parent, manage, and make decisions.
The Christian is called to a life marked by grace and mercy with his brothers and sisters. And the call to be gracious and merciful implies that there is a need to be gracious and merciful. The prerequisite to grace and mercy is being hurt, let down, betrayed, lied to, or in some other way offended. Our love for one another is not based on agreement, it is based on who they are in Jesus Christ. The Church is not the place where everyone agrees on everything and no one gets hurt. The Church is where we take the time to listen to each other and can keep the unity in love even when we disagree.
So the next time you are talking with someone and you find yourself wondering why this person thinks or acts the way they do, before your thoughts reach your face, take a moment and ask yourself, “Have I honestly listened to understand the other person?” Ask questions that will clarify why they think this or why they should do that.
- Why do you say that?
- What are you hoping to gain by doing/not doing that?
- Can you help me understand you better? I am not sure I am getting what you are saying.
- Here is what I hear you saying, tell me if I am hearing you right.
You can avoid a lot of stress in your relationships if you listen to understand. As Proverbs 13:3 says, He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. Take the time to listen before you speak.
When you do find yourself in a disagreement, is your first response to correct the person? To fix them? Sometimes we need to do that. But more often than not, we don’t really need to. More often than not, our desire to correct, debunk, or criticize is grounded in the desire to make ourselves look good rather than in real love for the other’s welfare.
When we find real honest disagreements between each other it is not a sin to come to the conclusion we cannot work together on a particular thing. It is a sin to devalue that person or disrespect them because they disagree with us in one area. Disagreements can become powerful temptations to sin. When disagreement expands into division you know you have crossed the line into sin.
What is the difference between disagreement and division? We can disagree with a person and still see them as an asset to our church, ministry, family, work, etc. When you become divided you no longer see the other person as an asset to your church, ministry, family or work. Disagreements and differences are part of life and can be very healthy. Division is unhealthy and is often driven by sin and an unwillingness to be gracious. Let’s become totally committed to looking to God for the grace we need to provide space for disagreement with one another without breaking the unity with each other that is so important to the health and success, both spiritually and relationally.
Learning To Be Full Of Grace And Truth. 
Thank you. So true.
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Thanks Levi! Enjoying your posts as well.
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