Marriage Counseling

I just got off the phone with a dear friend who is pastor in Kenya who asked for prayer having found himself counseling a disturbingly large number of people struggling in their marriages. He was right to be concerned. One of the main ways Satan attacks the Church is by attacking marriages.

Paul knew this too. The relationship between strong marriages and strong churches was so important that he spent a great deal of time talking about it in his letter to the Ephesians. Paul begins talking about marriage and family relationships in Ephesians 5:21 saying, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and summed up the marriage relationship in Ephesians 5:33 saying, However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. So we might say that the submission that love flows in shows itself in wives giving respect to their husbands and in husbands giving love to their wives.

The problem is that our old natures keep us from wanting to relate that way. When we follow our own desires we get caught in cycles of arguing, griping, nagging, and resentment. I love this quote from Martin Luther, “Think of all the squabbles Adam and Eve must have had in the course of their nine hundred years. Eve would say, ‘You ate the apple,’ and Adam would retort, ‘You gave it to me.'”

Someone once said, “A successful marriage demands a divorce; a divorce from your own self-love.” That divorce from self-love, or more properly selfish-love, is accomplished by submitting to one another out of reverence to Christ.

We are not told to submit to our spouse because they deserve it or earned it, but because our love for Christ should drive us to do it. It is an act of love.

Let me submit to you wives out there that what your husband wants more than anything is your respect. If you want to see your husband beam with love for you show him that you respect him.

• Don’t walk up to him in the presence of his friends and start complaining about what he forgot or what he hasn’t gotten around to yet.
• Don’t gossip about him to your friends.
• Don’t go off on him in front of the kids.
• If you have something that you think needs to be said, follow this rule: Ask Is it necessary? Is it encouraging? Is it edifying? Does it treat him with dignity? If you can answer yes to those four questions, then what you say will be respectful and loving.
• Most importantly, tell him that you respect him. Look him right in the eye and say, “Honey, I just want you to know, I respect you.”

Let me submit to you fellow husbands out there that what your wife longs for more than anything else is your love.

Billy Graham said,

Dogs are quick to show their affection. They never pout, they never bear a grudge. They never run away from home when mistreated. They never complain about their food. They never gripe about the way the house is kept. They are chivalrous and courageous, ready to protect their mistress at the risk of their lives. They love children, and no matter how noisy and boisterous they are, the dog loves every minute of it. In fact, a dog is still competition for a husband. Perhaps if we husbands imitated a few of our dog’s virtues, life with our family might be more amiable.

Take some advice from the dog and show some love for your wife.

• Don’t complain about the state of the house.
• Don’t balk when she asks for help with the dishes or laundry.
• Don’t gossip about her to your friends.
• Don’t go off on her in front of the kids.
• Take the time to listen to her, hold her, talk to her, and more than anything else tell her that you love her. Look her right in the eye and say, “Honey, I love you.”

Martin Luther—who by the way was a great husband—said, “The Christian is supposed to love his neighbor, and since his wife is his nearest neighbor, she should be his deepest love.”

Christ calls us to submit to one another out of reverence for Him.

Don’t put any conditions on it.

Humbly put away your rationalizations, grudges, gripes, self-righteousness, and pride.

Don’t wait for your spouse to earn it or deserve it. That isn’t why we are supposed to do it, and if we do we will never start.

Wives: respect your husbands.

Husbands: love your wives as you love yourselves.

Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.