If Only…

Sometimes 20/20 hindsight helps us understand things better. Other times it just leaves us wondering…

If only I had been there,
If only I had done that differently,
If only I had been more involved,
If only I had made better choices,
If only I had known,
Things would not have turned out this way.

“If only….” Have you ever heard comments like that? I have heard each and every one of those things just in the past week from different people! Perhaps you have too…or maybe you are even thinking them yourself. I know I have at times.

There is nothing wrong with asking such questions. Sometimes it takes things going really wrong for us to finally own a blind spot we have in our thinking, or a habit we need to change, or to see that our choices do not produce the results we thought they would.

That works when we are concerned about things in our own lives, but not always so well when we are talking about what is going on in the lives of others. When we see loved ones suffering we want to help, we want to stop the pain, we want to think that if we had been more involved or done something differently, things would not be so bad for them now. For instance…

If I was only a better mother….
If I had only done a better job growing their faith in God…
If I had only called or visited more…
If I had only followed my hunch that something was wrong…

These thoughts seem to just naturally come to us don’t they? It seems that there is something in our soul that tells us that we are somehow, in some way, or in some sense responsible for what happens to others. Is that true? I don’t think there is a clear-cut and easy answer to that question.

I think thoughts like this reveal a reality that we are all connected, that we do not live and act in a vacuum, that the choices we make have consequences (good and bad, seen and unseen, momentary and far-reaching) that we often have little control over. We are all connected. While we are all individuals, celebrate individualism, and pride ourselves on our independence we are at the core very interdependent and interconnected to one another. We often focus on the “I” but the reality is there is also the “We.”

Wrestling though these thoughts is part of the grieving process when we are brought into the pain, suffering, and loss of others. This wrestling can help us accept the reality of what has happened, it can lead us to accept real responsibility and ask for forgiveness, and it can help us learn to love one another better.

But we need to be careful that we do not come to false conclusions either. Sometimes we end up taking guilt for things which is not ours to take. The fact is that sometimes our pride or fear (or a bit of both) lead us to falsely conclude that we have more power than we actually do. What I have been learning is that we really have precious little control over our lives, let alone the lives of others. “Would things have been different if I had ___?” I think the best we could say is “maybe, maybe not” and the more honest answer would probably be “there is no way to know.”

When you hear the “if only” line of thinking, don’t shut it down. Don’t say “that’s a stupid question!” Let them talk…and listen as they do. Ask him or her questions to help bring out the feelings and thoughts that are pushing those thought in the first place:

Why do you say that?
What do you mean by that?
Why do you feel that would have helped?
What are you feeling that makes you say that?

Avoiding or censoring the “what if’s” and “if only’s” is not going to make things easier. Being the loving person who stays with him or her while they wrestle with these thoughts will.